Walking in Freedom

It’s the freedom for MEEEEEE! *cues all the drama* Y’all! Lemme tell you! So, I wrote about my car incident. And I told you how scared I was. And how I panicked and things were just crazy for a while, right?? Wait! You don’t know about it?! It was a whole thing! Had my life twist, turned upside down! Wanna read about it? Here it is!

Now, back to the story, minus the drama because this is serious. That car incident was a lot for me. At the time I’m writing this, it’s been exactly 4 months but it seems it was so long ago. Not because of the actual time. It seems so long ago because of the time it took to get to this point. You see, 10 minute car rides seemed like hours to me. The thoughts I created in my head were wild (and sometimes still are). 

I never realized how many people drove black cars with tinted windows. Or how many people opened their car doors on the road. Or how many people drove with hoodies on or hoodies and face masks. But now, I see it all the time. People talk a lot about how phrases live rent free in their minds. My attempted carjacking lived rent free, used all my utilities and ate all my food. It was exhausting. 

But it was the first time I truly understood what it feels like to have anxiety. To have your heart racing constantly while trying to appear as if everything were alright. I never told my son what actually happened. He thinks it was just a car accident. He didn’t understand why I was so afraid to drive my car. And I wanted to tell him. But I couldn’t. He’s too young to have such a big worry. And even if he wasn’t, how do you explain how you feel when you don’t know how you feel?

I imagined that’s how people who struggle with anxiety feel. So seen and so raw, yet so invisible and devalued. It was rough. And I was so angry with God! This past year, give or take, has been one obstacle after another but He is my God and I’ma stand beside Him. Until this. “Sir,” I yelled, “why this?! What does this have to do with anything I’ve endured so far?!”

His answer, “nothing, it’s an enemy attack on your mind.” And with those words, I went straight to the Bible. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” So I needed to know how to fight against what I couldn’t see. 

Every time I had to get in the car, I’d pray and then tell God what His Word says. The more I said it, the more I believed it. And even when I struggled to believe, I said it anyway. It went a little something like this:

God, I’m scared, terrified but your Word says, you do not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. Your word says you will never leave me or forsake me. You are a Good Shepherd. And you said “even though I walk through the darkest valleys, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and staff, they comfort me. God you’re right here with me. I need you. I can’t leave this garage without you. When the Israelites were in the wilderness, you were with them. A cloud by day and fire by night. You never left them. If you did it for them, since you are the same God yesterday, today and forever, you’ll do the same for me. You called me your daughter. You claimed me as your child, so you are the Warrior God who protects me. You fight for me. I need you to send your angel armies here to protect me. Fight for me, cuz now I can’t fight for myself. Daddy God, comfort me. I need to feel your presence. Holy Spirit, you’re here with me. I need you right now. Oh, God, help me believe the Words I speak. I can’t do this by myself. In Jesus name. Amen.

My prayer was a plea. Auntie Joyce said in The Battlefield of the Mind, that I had to bind up any mind binding demon trying to take over my mind. When I heard that, I had no clue what that meant but I was about to find out. I was in the fight of my life but as long as I kept my hands raised, I was winning. I was fighting from a place of victory, not for victory.

Then one day, I was driving down the street and a car was in front of me, turned the same way the car that attempted to carjack me was turned, with the door open. I panicked. You see, I was under the impression my fear was associated with the car I drove so I didn’t want my car back. I was driving my brother’s car. At that moment, God showed me it wasn’t about a car. It didn’t matter what car I was driving, I didn’t have peace within, which is only given by God.

So I shifted my focus even more and one day, I was no longer afraid. I’m not sure when it happened but my heart was no longer racing at a stop light. And I was no longer frantically looking around while driving on the streets, checking to see if anyone was near me. I was no longer praying for lights to be green when I got to them. I’d found peace. 

That’s not to say I’m no longer triggered. I am sometimes but those triggers no longer control me. And like my good homie, sister, friend’s therapist said, “you can still be triggered by something you’re healed from.” I read that, accepted what it was, held my head high, walked in my freedom and continued to arm myself with the Sword of the Spirit.

Edited to add: I am currently transferring my blog from one host site to another. As I read over these posts, I realize I’ve grown even more. I no longer believe you can be triggered by what you’re healed from. The trigger is evidence that there is still healing in Christ to be done. Currently, I don’t hear the Holy Spirit telling me to write about this. Maybe because I’m still walking in healing. But I do believe once I’m healed, I’ll have a story to tell. Stay tuned…