The Journey Back to Me
I can’t believe it’s been nearly 7 years since I last wrote a blog post! So many things have happened since then. God has shown up in some major ways. Though not everything has been sunshine and rainbows, I’ve enjoyed all of the ups and downs. And the lessons!! The LESSONS! OMG!! They hurt a lil bit, just a lil bit, BUT they were so worth it!
Hurt feelings and a broken heart can shift the way you see the world and disrupt God’s plan for your life, if you allow it. And guess what?! I allowed it! For nearly 4 years, I harbored ill feelings toward a couple-a-few people (yes, you read that right!) and it cost me my peace. And as all the social media psychologists say, “if it costs you your peace, it costs too much.”
It was so hard for me to see God and to hear from Him because I was harboring unforgiveness. Now, let’s be clear, I wasn’t intentionally choosing to be unforgiving. I truly thought I’d forgiven and moved on. Instead, I’d swept it under a rug. You know, out of sight, out of mind. But that was far from the case and it took several years for me to realize I hadn’t forgiven.
It wasn’t until my dear friend listened to the voice of Holy Spirit and decided to send me a LONG voice note. In this message, I could hear the anxiousness and concern for me. She reluctantly delivered a message I didn’t know I so desperately needed to hear. The gist of her message let me know she sees me and she understands. While so many people in my world viewed me as STRONG and believed I was okay when I wasn’t, she let me know she saw me.
Friend told me she was wrestling with Holy Spirit because she didn’t want to open a wound that was potentially already closed. She didn’t want to speak on the issue if I’d moved on. Listening to her words brought me to tears. I released tears I’d been holding onto for years.
You see, during this time, I felt God was cruel. For the way the situation played out, I thought I was forgotten. I blamed myself for the things that happened. I blamed the decisions I’d made because surely the good God I serve would NEVER allow something like that to happen to me. Especially KNOWING the things I’d already endured. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Would He?
No one truly understood the feelings I felt so I kept them to myself. Most days, I wasn’t even sure how I felt. And when the feelings became too confusing, I’d sweep them back under the rug until the next time I tripped on the pile of trash trying to hide under it.
When Friend called me, it was like God whispering, “My child, my daughter, I see you. I’ve always seen you.” I pictured Him waiting for me, arms outstretched, wide open, like the gentle Father He is. And in that moment, with the little strength I had left, I ran to Him and buried my face in His arms and began releasing all the feelings I’d attempted to hide from Him for so many years. And He held me and reminded me that I am His and He was always there, waiting for me to trust Him with it all.
And that was the beginning of my healing and the journey back to blogging. The journey back to Tarekia Nicole.
