Who’s the Lucky Guy?!
More often that not, I get the question, “so who’s the lucky guy?!” And with a straight face I answer, “who Jasiah?!” Yes, I know they are actually asking about a relationship. What they really want to know is if I’m single. And if I am single, they want to know why. The quick answer is: I now know I can be selective. The long answer…well, keep reading…
At the beginning of 2015, I made the decision to walk away from a 4.5 year relationship. I knew God was telling me to leave. But I had no clue what was next and I didn’t know His plan. I struggled with it for months before I actually had the courage to walk away. I mean, who REALLY wants to choose to be a single parent?! Tuh!
However, that relationship was very toxic. I no longer knew who I was. I’d gotten so caught up in trying to make it work, I’d lost myself. Every day I stayed, I was digging a hole that was increasingly tougher to escape. I wasn’t happy. Honestly, I didn’t know what happy was anymore. I wanted so desperately to stay and make it work so Jasiah would have a 2 parent household. It could work, I just had to try harder.
Then one day someone gave me a piece of advice that I still hold on to today. It was simple: “The best thing you can give Jasiah is a happy mom.” This is where I drew my courage. I realized it didn’t matter how hard I fought to stay, I wasn’t happy on the inside. And if I thought Jasiah wouldn’t be able to feel that, I was completely wrong! So I left.
In the time since, I’ve learned to smile. Not just smile for people. You know, the masked smile. I’ve learned to smile from deep within. I learned not only to like myself but love myself, flaws and all. Getting to know myself all over again has been the best part! I’m pretty dope! I now know who I am in Christ and what He says about me. I’ve allowed God to heal my from the inside out.
Ok, so that was in 2015. So why are you still single? Who IS the lucky guy?! Is that what you’re wondering now? Geesh! You’re so nosy! Lol! At the end of 2016, I thought to myself, “it’s been almost 2 years, it’s time to date.” Wrong again! Around that time, there was a guy pursuing me. I. Had. No. Clue!!! Once he made his intentions known, I thought back and was able to recognize all the “signs” I’d missed.
During this, ummm, let’s call it a situationship, I realized, I wasn’t actually open to dating. I was intrigued by the idea but my heart wasn’t. The Bible says guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23). My heart was definitely guarded, and chained, walled in and under lock and key. It was guarded in an unhealthy way. No one was getting in. I wasn’t open to allowing it. Although I liked the idea of a relationship, I still wasn’t ready. I had several things I still needed to sort through.
But, this situationship wasn’t all bad. During this time, he reminded me to dream. You see, I’d given up on all of my dreams. None of the stuff I wanted would actually happen. Or so I thought. Somewhere along the way I’d forgotten how to dream. So the reminder that my dreams are valid was refreshing. He also showed me that I’m capable of actually opening my heart to make room for another person. That it’s okay to remove some of the barriers protecting my heart. So why aren’t we together? Because God (and everybody else lol) said no. Period.
Side note: Sometimes outside people can see what we can’t. Wise counsel is definitely necessary. Use it.
Another side note: wise counsel isn’t always your peers. It’s usually someone older who has been through a couple of things.
There have been a couple of adventures since then. But those are posts for another day. But to answer your question, I had a lot to work through. A lot of hurt to deal with. A lot of soul searching. I needed to become a healthy me before I can ever be a healthy “we.”
Allowing God to heal my hurt and show me who He is has been the most rewarding. It’s a necessary part of healing and growing. Sometimes it’s a struggle. We all get to places when we “said what we said” and we want what we want. I know first hand, God never gives me what I want but always what I need. He does the same for you, if you allow it and invite Him in.
I truly believe whoever my forever guy is deserves a fair chance. So the least I can do is be sure I’m a whole person before I take on the challenges of being in a relationship. I have to know how to seek God first. It has to be my first line of defense.
But in the meantime, I’ll continue loving me, wholeheartedly! So who’s the lucky guy?! He remains a mystery! 😉